Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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