I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
