I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Randomize
