Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
