I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
