and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
