I intend to get homeless drunk
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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