I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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