watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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