Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
