wakey wakey hands off snakey
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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