Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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