Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
