just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
