I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
