Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
