if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
