so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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