I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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