is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I think pants incapable of making pants work
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
