i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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