Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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