I swear she didn't look like that last week.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
