That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
