My liver just broke up with me...
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
