I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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