so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
