Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
