Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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