I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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