yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I need to stop coming to work sober
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
