I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
