I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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