it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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