I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
