Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
