Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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