Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
