did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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