He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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