I puked a lego.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
