Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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