Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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