I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
And then my night got REAL pukey
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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