Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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