It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
