So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
