I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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