I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
