There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
