Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize